Moving Forward When You "Don't Feel It"

Because Momentum Goes Both Ways

I’ve been feeling lost recently.

Some would call it “depressed.”

To be absolutely honest, it might be the same mindset/feeling/affliction that is often diagnosed as depression, but I prefer not to call it that. Labels have power.

To be absolutely clear, I’m not saying that depression doesn’t exist or that it doesn’t require professional help in some cases, but I hope we can all agree that the term is overused these days, just like ADHD, OCD, and many other ailments. But that’s a topic for another day.

I could call myself depressed — easily, in fact — and surrender to the idea that what I am feeling is something internal: a hormonal imbalance that causes my emotions to sour and my drive to sputter out at random. It’s comforting to believe that when I feel like I just can’t start my engine, there really is something wrong with me and I can’t help it.

It’s an easy excuse.

It can be so tempting to fall into that self-pitying state in which I am driven to waste the day away as efficiently as possible.

I pick a Netflix or Amazon Prime show that I kind of hate and let it play in the background as I scroll, zombie-like, through posts in which I have no interest. I seek anything to occupy my wallowing mind.

Maybe tomorrow, I think. I’ll feel better tomorrow.

What people don’t usually talk about in regards to depression or even non-clinical lack of motivation is that it’s indulgent. If you’ve ever heard the phrase “wallow in self-pity” did you realize that wallow is a synonym for luxuriate, pamper, relish, and revel? They all mean “to immerse yourself deeply,” and that feeling of giving in can be oh so luxurious.

In the show Big Mouth, in which emotions and urges are personified as monsters, Depression is a huge, fluffy cat. It wraps itself around you, soft and soothing, as you hide from the world. It whispers in your ear that it’s totally okay to stay in bed. I kind of hate that show. It can be clever, but it takes some jokes too far for me. Still, Depression Kitty is an accurate interpretation, in my experience.

When you recognize that gravitational pull to shirk responsibility and hide away, steel yourself with the knowledge that doing so will feel good. It feels absolutely right in that moment, and the longer you stay in it, the more you forget how good it feels on the other side.

What initially presents as a lack of motivation creates a feedback loop. A few days into the cycle, and you’ll find yourself thinking Of course I didn’t get insert-task-here done today. I’m useless. I probably won’t get anything done today either. The pity and guilt of not doing what you should compound with each missed responsibility, and by the time you realize you’re caught in that gravitational pull, your depression — if you choose call it that — has the mass of a small star.

You may not believe there is a reason for what you are feeling. Or perhaps you know the reason, but the weight of the feeling is out of proportion with the cause. Whether the sadness, emptiness, or even anger feels random or has a clear trigger, it is an obstacle to living a happier life, and it must be overcome.

I choose to label my feelings as problem to be solved, rather than a state over which I have no control. It might sound ridiculous, but this characterization shifts my mindset in a way that at least gives me a fighting chance.

The feeling of despair and utter lack of motivation? I’ve assigned it the label of “lost” rather than depressed.

Lost is something I can fix. Someone who is lost just needs to find their way back onto the path.

I’ve been at a crossroads of sorts with my career. I’ve always had far more interests than I have the time to pursue. Recently I had the opportunity to try out some new things, one of which didn’t pan out after devoting the majority of my time to it for a month. That in itself is discouraging, but the conclusion of that project leaves me now back at the junction between several other paths. I can’t help but fear that any one of them could be another dead end.

I gave myself some time over the weekend to wallow in my uncertainty.

I had planned to start fresh on Monday, but on Monday, I found out I probably would not be paid for the month of work I had just completed, and that kicked me solidly back into wallowing. Despite knowing that being in this state is the last thing that would improve my situation, here I was.

I needed to be moving forward, building momentum, and digging the me that I know I can be back out from under the pile of disappointment and self-doubt that had buried me.

I was lost, and I needed to find my way again.

*Note to self (and readers): “Planning to start” at a future date is almost always a bad idea. It’s a procrastination tactic that let’s you put off the thing you should be doing while feeling proactive since you’ve picked a time for it. It’s easy to push back your start date when the time actually comes, but it relieves the feeling of guilt in the meantime. Instead, negotiate with yourself that you will start today/now/as soon as possible, but you only need to commit a short time, maybe 10-15 minutes initially, or until you hit a very small milestone.

I know it’s not a simple task. Even having done so in the past doesn’t guarantee instant success for breaking free of your ruts, finding your way back onto the path.

What I’ve found works best for me is to look at the rut itself as a puzzle to solve. First, understand your current state. Are there any potential triggers in my recent past, or unresolved issues that I may have been reminded of? If I imagine a world where I feel better, what has changed, and can I make that happen in the real world?

For me, right now, my feeling of impotence stems from fear that I don’t know how to contribute to the world in a way that will make a difference. It comes from contemplating a shift from what has been my career for a decade, and imagining a future where I need to grind through enough hours to contribute value at something new. It comes from the imposter syndrome that lurks just behind every coding bug that takes more than a few hours, every consulting client that doesn’t end up signing, and every to-do list item that remains unchecked.

Second, try to understand what you want. I believe fully that every last person on this Earth (and if there are any people off the Earth, you too!) is capable of creating or contributing something that matters.

By creating value, we cultivate an inner drive that gives life meaning and fulfillment. When we aren’t creating value, we start to doubt ourselves, and the doubt fuels inaction. When we are creating, the satisfaction and pride of a job well-done fuels us in the opposite direction. It boils down to choosing your particular brand of feedback loop.

Finally, take whatever sized step you are capable of in that direction.

When you do get stuck in a demotivation loop, your best chance at escape is to immediately do something you can check off as an accomplishment. Choose something small and attainable, but something that is unarguably a success. Bonus points if the accomplishment contradicts any fears that might be amplifying your demotivation loop. The sooner a you make progress, the sooner you can start to fuel the loop in the opposite direction, and the sooner you can start to benefit from the happiness of being back on the path.

I’ve said it before. Happiness is not a destination. It’s the feeling of moving forward in the direction of your choosing. Read more in my first article, Sometimes, You Just Have to Start.

But, what if you desperately want to move forward, and it’s the direction you are missing? What I am combatting now is a painful lack of direction. I know that I should be working on one of my projects, and that working on them is my best shot at reigniting my spark, but I can’t picture what success looks like in the long term. Without being able to envision the future I am creating, the effort to pursue any of these paths seems wasted.

I’ve been deliberating for days. I know I need to move forward. I know I’ve put nearly a decade into coding and deploying software projects. I know I want to create things that help people and that I am open to learning new skills.

My search for direction is just another kind of effort that must be put into getting back on the path. I examine the resources I have and possibilities ahead of me, and trying to envision the future success of each one.

One seems more plausible than the others.

It’s the future in which I continue coding, but work on my own projects, rather than taking a job or aligning myself with someone else’s business idea, even through my own business as a technical consultant. I’m tired of hitching my horse to someone else’s wagon.

I feel a stirring at the idea of promoting my own ideas, making something just for me. Well, not exactly for me.

The things I make will be for the people they will serve. My goal is for the products or tools I bring into existence to benefit people. But the idea at least, the plan, and the execution will be all my own.

As this idea consolidates itself over time, it feels right. I work as much as I can in the meantime, stacking small wins. My time is spent writing articles, researching coding libraries and tools to incorporate into future products, and assembling basic electronics to experiment with a new physical medium.

I feel my feedback loop begin to turn in the right direction, fueled by the small wins.

If you can see the future you want, you can work backwards.

Solidify your vision first and it will be more clear what you should do next. Don’t limit yourself to what seems realistic now. Over a lifetime, you can make anything happen. Focus on the end goal first, then brainstorm ideas to grow towards it.

The most important step a man can take is the next one. Some might recognize this from Brandon Sanderson’s Stormlight Archives. Any fantasy readers in the audience?

It’s absolutely true about the next step, as you can see from my suggestion to just start, do something, create, or to consolidate small wins to reverse your feedback loop.

But wait, if you don’t know where you’re going, continuing to take steps can leave you walking in circles, right?

If taking random steps, yes. But if you recognize that even the introspection is itself a step, you can start there and come up with a vision for your life.

Don’t let the feeling of helplessness take over and prevent you from taking any action at all. Take on the search for direction as if it were any other obstacle, a problem to solve, a puzzle. The effort and time put into deliberating and exploring your options is the next step, and your only job is to survey the available options in order to choose the step after that.